Transcribed by The News Guy (Mike)
Bruce Mahler [ Rabbi (Glickman) ],
Kelly Perine [ Usher ],
John Rubano [ Man ],
Evie Peck [ Woman ]
Broadcast: 28 Sep 95
Written by: Larry David
Directed by: Andy Ackerman
[Jerry: and Elaine: are walking down the street and Kramer is parking his car ]
Elaine: Hey, good news. My dog problem has been solved.
Jerry: Really? What happened?
Elaine: Well, there's this rabbi in my building. You've met him. Very nice man.
Jerry: Isn't he the one with the show on cable?
Elaine: Yea, yeah, yeah,. So I spoke to him about the dog. He went down. Talked to the owner. She agr4eed to keep the dog inside from now on.
Jerry: That's great.
Elaine: I know.
[Kramer crashing into parking spot]
Jerry: That looks pretty good.
Elaine: He's in.
Jerry: Hey, say, you know, we haven't even discussed George's engagement yet.
Elaine: What's to discuss?
Jerry: Come on! George: is getting married!
Elaine: Is he happy?
At the restaurant! George: is coming from the bathroom
to sit with his bride-to-be.
George: I will never understand the bathrooms in this country. Why is it that the doors on the stalls do not come all the way down to the floor?
Susan: Well, maybe it's so you can see if there's someone in there.
George: Isn't that why we have locks on the doors?
Susan: Well, as a backup system, in case the lock is broken, you can see if it's taken.
George: A backup system? We're designing bathroom doors with our legs exposed in anticipation of the locks not working? That's not a system. That's a complete breakdown of the system.
Susan: Can we change the subject, please?
George: Why? What's wrong with the subject? This is a bad subject?
Susan: No, fine. If you wanna keep talking about it, we'll talk about it.
George: It's not that I want to keep talking about it? just think that the subject should resolve itself based on its own momentum.
Susan: Well, I didn't think that it had any momentum.
George: (To himself) How am I gonna do this? I'm engaged to this woman? She doesn't even like me. Change the subject? Toilets were the subject. We don't even share the same interests.
Jerry: Yeah, he seems pretty happy.
Elaine: Well, that's all that counts, I guess.
Jerry: What's the matter?
Elaine: Oh, nothin'.
Jerry: Well, you don't seem too enthused about the whole thing.
Elaine: Well, what do you want me to do?
Jerry: Well, at least have some reaction to it.
Elaine: Well, I don't.
Jerry: Maybe you're a little jealous.
Elaine: Oh, what? You think I wanna marry George:?
Jerry: No! But maybe you wish it was you who was getting married, not him.
Elaine: Oh, please! That is the last thing that I want.
Jerry: Oh, yeah. Right.
Elaine: Yeah, right.
Jerry: You don't wanna get married?
Elaine: Yeah, that's right. I don't wanna get married.
Jerry: Oh, come on!
Elaine: Oh, you come on.
Jerry: You're such...
Kramer: Oh, hey!
Kramer: Elaine:, listen, I was talking to a friend about this dog business. Do you realize this is gonna be on our permanent records? Are you aware of this?
Elaine: Oh, dear.
Kramer: It can never be erased. It'll follow us wherever we go for the rest of our lives. I'll never be able to get a job. I mean, doesn't that concern you? Everything I've worked for...down the drain because of one stupid mistake. I mean, aren't we entitled to make one mistake in our lives, Jerry:?
Jerry: We're gonna change the system.
Elaine: Well, I could care less. I hope it is on our record. I'm just sorry they didn't lock me up.
[Outside Elaine:'s place]
Elaine: Oh, hello, Rabbi: Krischma.
Rabbi: Elaine:! Always a pleasure to see you.
Elaine: Thanks again for taking care of that dog for us.
Rabbi: Elaine, often times in life there are problems, and just as often there are solutions.
Elaine: Yeah, I suppose.
Rabbi: Elaine, you don't seem yourself today. You seem, if I may say, troubled.
Elaine: No, Rabbi:, I'm not myself.
Rabbi: Come upstairs. We'll have a talk.
At Jerry:'s apartment. George trots in after his lunch with Kiki
and Big Jer is kicking back with a paper.
George: I want your honest opinion about something.
Jerry: Have I ever been less than forthright?
George: No, you haven't. Well, maybe you have. What do I know.
Jerry: Yeah, I probably have. Yeah, of course I have. What am I talking about?
George: All right. Okay, tell me what you think about this idea: Extend the doors on the toilet stalls at Yankee Stadium all the way to the floor.
Jerry: Extend the doors on the toilet stalls at Yankee Stadium to the floor ...door comes down. Hides your feet. Yes. I like it. I like it a lot.
George: It's good, right?
Jerry: I think it's fantastic. I think it's a fantastic idea.
George: You do?
Jerry: Yes, I do.
George: Well, I told it to Susan: before, and she didn't like it.
George: Yeah. Not only that, this is what she said to me, "Can we change the subject?"
Jerry: See, now that I don't care for.
George: Right. I mean, we're on a subject. Why does it have to be changed?
Jerry: It should resolve of its own volition.
George: That's exactly what I said, except I used the word "momentum".
Jerry: Momentum - same thing.
George: Same thing. My god, I'm getting married in December, do you know that?
Jerry: Yeah, I know.
George: Well, I don't see how I'm gonna make December. I mean, I need a little more time. I mean, look at me I'm a nervous wreck. My stomach aches. My neck is killing me. I can't turn. Look. Look.
Jerry: You're turning.
George: Nah, it's not a good turn. December. December. Don't you think we should have a little more time just to get to know each other a little.
Jerry: If you need more time, you should have more time.
George: What, you think I could postpone it?
Jerry: Sure you can. Why not?
George: That's allowed? You're allowed to postpone it?
Jerry: I don't see why not.
George: So, I could do that?
Jerry: Sure, go ahead.
George: All right! All right. I'll tell you what. How about this? Got the date; March 21st, the first day of spring.
Jerry: Spring. Of course.
George: Huh? You know? Spring. Rejuvenation. Rebirth. Everything's blooming. All that crap.
George: She's not gonna like it.
Jerry: No, she's not.
George: You know, I think I'm a little bit scared of her. She's five-three, like a hundred pounds. I'm frightened to death of her.
Jerry: Well, she's a woman. They don't like to be disappointed.
George: Especially her. She does not like disappointment. Well, I have to do it. I can't make December. There's no way I can make December. Right? I mean, you can see that, right? I mean, look at me. Look. Look. Can I make December? I can't make December. Right? Look. Look.
Jerry: Yeah, you'd better shoot for March.
Kramer: Hey, hey.
George: March 21st. Hey! So, you're gonna back me on this, right?
Jerry: Oh, all the way.
George: You are a good friend. You know what? Even if you killed somebody I wouldn't turn you in.
Jerry: Is that so?
Jerry: Hey, Kramer if I killed somebody would you turn me in?
Jerry: You're kidding?
Kramer: No, no, I would turn you in.
Jerry: You would turn me in?
Kramer: Phwap, I wouldn't even think about it.
Jerry: I can't believe your a friend of mine.
Kramer: What kind of person are you going around killing people?
Jerry: Well, I am sure I had a good reason.
Kramer: Well,, if you'll kill this person, who's to say I wouldn't be next?
Jerry: But you know me!
Kramer: I thought I DID!
Elaine: I'm not a very religious person but I do feel as if I'm in need of some guidance here.
Rabbi: Would you care for a snack of some kind? I have the Snackwells which are very popular but I think that sometimes with the so called fat free cookies people may overindulge forgetting they may be high in calories
Elaine: Thank you I am not very hungry. Anyway, um, this friend of mine, George, got engaged .
Rabbi: How wonderful.
Elaine: Yeah, yeah, well, for some reason, um, I just find myself just overcome with feelings of jealousy and resentment.
Rabbi: Doesn't it give you any joy to see your friend enter into this holiest of unions?
Elaine: No, no, no it doesn't. No joy no joy whatsoever. Just the whole think makes me . . sick.
Rabbi: You know, Elaine, very often we cannot see the forest for the trees.
Elaine: Yeah, I don't know what that means.
Rabbi: Well, for example, say there's a forest, . . .
Elaine: You see the thing is we It should have been me. You know, I'm smart. I'm attractive.
Rabbi: You know my temple has many single functions.
Elaine: No, no, it's okay.
Rabbi: My nephew Alex is someone who is also looking perhaps
Elaine: I don't think so.
Rabbi: He owns a flower store. Very successful.
[Outside Coffee shop]
Jerry: So you're nothing but a stoolie. Admit it.
Kramer: Hey, don't do the crime if you can't do the time.
Jerry: Another Caf Latte?
Kramer: You better believe it.
Kramer: Since when are you so trendy?
Jerry: Hey, baby. I set the trends. Who do you think started this whole Caf Latte?
Jerry: I don't recall you drinking Caf Latte.
Kramer: I've been drinking Caf Latte since the fifth grade and I haven't looked back.
Jerry: Hey, Planet 9 From Outer Space is playing tomorrow night. One show only.
Kramer: I've always wanted to see this.
Jerry: You know I was supposed to see this five years ago. I was in a Chinese restaurant with George and Elaine and got all screwed up trying to get a table and I missed it.
Kramer: Well, yeah, lets do it uh?
Jerry: Look at this Jerry, dropping paper on the ground. That's littering.
Jerry: Maybe you better call the cops and turn me in.
Kramer: Maybe I will.
Susan: How was your day?
George: Good, good day. How was your day?
Susan: Mine was okay. So what's goin' on?
George: Oh, nothin' much. I went over to jerry's, uh, talked to Jerry.
Susan: Oh, the Lowers want to get together with us on Friday night.
George: The Lowers, really?
Susan: You don't want to go?
George: No, I want to go.
Susan: So what did Jerry have to say?
George: Oh, nothin' much, . . . talkin'. . . . Oh, oh, oh, did I have an unbelievable idea today!
Susan: Oh, yeah, the toilets. You told me.
George: Yeah, ha ha, It's not the toilets, it's not the toilets. It's something else. Are you ready for this?
George: Okay, how about this? All right, we get married March 21st, the first day of Spring.
Susan: What do you mean? You want to postpone the wedding?
George: No, no no it's not about postponing. I just think the first day of Spring is the perfect day to get married. You know, Spring! Rejuvenation! Rebirth! Everything is blooming all the
Susan: If you don't want to marry me, George, just say so. [crying] Say so.
George: Still marry , still marry.
Susan: You don't love me.
George: Sstill love. Still love.
Susan: My parents told me you were too neurotic and that I was making a mistake.
George: No no no, no mistake, no mistake. No, no , listen, we're going to get married over Christmas, I It doesn't make any difference to me. It's fine. Really.
Susan: Are you sure?
George: Yeah, yeah, sure, Christmas. Snow. Santa. All that stuff.
Jerry: Let me take a guess. She cried and you caved.
George: How did you know that?
Jerry: I live and breathe my friend. . . . I live and breathe.
George: I got to tell you I felt terrible. I really thought she was going to collapse and kill herself.
Jerry: tes, it's very difficult. Few men have the constitution for it. That's why breakups take two or three tries. You gotta build up your immunity.
George: You see those tears streaming down you don't know what to do. It was like she was on fire and I was trying to put her out.
Jerry: Well, at least you probably had some, uh, pretty good make-up sex after.
George: I didn't have any sex.
Jerry: You didn't have make-up sex? How could you not have make-up sex? I mean that's the best feature of the heavy relationship.
George: I didn't have make-up sex.
Jerry: In your situation the only sex you're going to have better than make-up sex is if you're dent to prison and you have a conjugal visit.
George: Yeah, conjugal visit sex. That is happening!
Man: I can tell you're very upset but I'm sorry I'm not goin'
George: Did you here that? I can't believe this he's eating his sandwich.
Man: Are you going to eat thoise fries?
George: This is amazing. [George gets up to leave and shake's man's hand] Thank you. Thank you very much. . . . I'm going back in! . . . You'll feel better [to woman]
Jerry: . . . Poor bastard.
Jerry: Good evening, Rabbi.
Rabbi: Good evening. And how does this evening find you?
Jerry: Well, Rabbi, well.
Rabbi: I trust you are here to see your friend, Elaine.
Jerry: Yeah, that's right.
Rabbi: I hope she's feeling better.
Jerry: What do you mean?
Rabbi: She didn't tell you?
Rabbi: Well it seems the engagement of her ffriend George has left her feeling bitter and hostile.
Jerry: is that so?
Rabbi: Yes, in fact she told me that she wishes she was the one getting married.
Rabbi: She came off as pretty desperate.
Jerry: I didn't know any of this.
Rabbi: Apparently she doesn't think much of this George fellow either. I recall the word loser peppered throughout her conversation.
Jerry: Hum, well it all comes as news to me.
G: [enters] Hi.
Susan: Hi, how was your day?
George: Good, good day. How was your day?
Susan: Ah, it was okay. What's going on?
George: Oh, nothing much. You know, I went over to Jerry's. Talked to Jerry. Um, could I talk to you for a minute?
Susan: Yeah, sure.
George: You see this is the thing. . . . [crying] I just feel . . . mumble, cry, mumble, . . . I'm scared. You and I together, [cry]
Susan: George, of course, of course it can wait until march if that is what you want.
Susan: Oh, don't worry your head. Of course.
George: All right. [smiles behind her back]
Elaine: I've got that magazine article for you.
Jerry: You iknow I talked to the rabbi outside.
Elaine: Are you
Jerry: Understand you had a little talk with him too.
Elaine: Yeah, talked earlier.
Jerry: Yes I know, I know.
Elaine:. . . What does that mean?
Jerry: Nothing, nothing.
Elaine: He didn't mention . . .
Jerry: Yes he did.
Elaine: He told you about our conversation?
Jerry: We had quite a little chat.
Elaine: He told you about . . .
Jerry: Yes, about how you're very jealous of George. How you wished it was you who were getting married instead of him.
Elaine: He told you all that? How could he?
Jerry: It didn't take much prodding either, I must say.
Elaine: Can he do that?
Jerry: He did it.
Elaine: But he's a Rabbi! How can a Rabbi have such a big mouth?
Jerry: That's what's so fascinating.
Jerry: You better finish your little caf latte there. They won't let you in with it.
Kramer: Why not?
Jerry: Because they don't allow outside drinks into the movie.
Kramer: Well that's stupid
Jerry: That's the rule.
Kramer: Well, we'll just see if we can't get around that.
[Kramer puts coffee cup into his pants]
Rabbi: Oh, Elaine. Come in. Come in. So nice to see you again.
Rabbi: Can I offere you some Kasha Varnishkas?
Elaine: No, no. Listen, Rabbi, I'd like to ask you a question. Why, why did you tell my friend Jerry what I talked to you about?
Rabbi: Was that a problem for you?
Elaine: Of course it was a problem for me. . . . You didn't, you didn't tell anyone else about this, did you?
Rabbi: Well, let's see? I seem to recall a conversation with Mrs. Winston in 1F.
Elaine: Mrs. Winston?
Rabbi: Yes, we were waiting for our mail to arrive and I happened to mention to her how you felt that it was never going "to happen" for you.
Elaine: What about Don Ramsey? You didn't mention anything to him did you?
Rabbi: Don Ramsey?
Elaine: You know that tall really good looking guy, he lives on the fifth floor.
Rabbi: Oh him! Well this morning I found myself in the elevator with him
Elaine: my god, you didn't.
Jerry: Excuse me, pardon me, excuse me
Kramer: Oh, yow, oow Ah!
Usher: Hey, hey, what's going on? What just happened here?
Kramer: Nothing Nothing.
Usher: Whatya got? One of those Caf Latte's in your shirt?
Kramer: I don't have anything. Ask him.
[ Jerry makes a silent drink gesture]
Usher: All right, come on Coffee Boy, bring it out.
Usher: Here you go.
Ex; But the whole thing is a mess. He told everyone in the building. I met that cute guy on the fifth floor. I mean he could barely bring himself to nod.
Jerry: Elaine, if I could say a word here about Jewish people. That man in no way represents our ability to take in a nice piece of juicy gossip and keep it to ourselves.
Elaine: You didn't say this to George, did you?
Jerry: No, . . . about how you wish it was YOU who was getting married instead of him? Feelings of resentment, hostility?
Elaine: Yeah that! So, . . .
George: Hey oh.
Elaine: GEORGIE! CONGRATULATIONS! Oh, my god. I haven't seen you since it happened. I'm so happy for you.
George: Alright, thanks a lot.
Elaine: Oh, come on. You really, really deserve it.
[Gives George a kiss]
George: Oh, deserve! I don't know if I deserve...I mean...
Elaine: Are you kidding? I have seen the changes in you the past couple of years. Man, you have grown. You've matured.
George: Well, I guess I'm getting older.
Elaine: Oh! Well, I just think it's wonderful. Honestly! I've gotta run, but um, please, please give my best to Susan:.
Elaine My most, just heartfelt congratulations.
George: Yeah. Thanks. Hey, listen, if you ever get a date, maybe the four of us could go out together sometime.
Elaine: Yes! Yes, yes. Sure.
George: Wait, as a matter of fact, wasn't there some guy in your building that you said you liked? He lived up on the fifth floor or something.
Elaine: Yes. Yes, yes. Yes.
George: Yeah! Boy, she is something, isn't she?
Jerry: Yeah, she's something else. Hey, so what happened? Did you hold your ground or...uh
George: Nope. I wept like a baby.
George: Well, I started to tell her and then all of the sudden, for some reason, I just burst into tears.
Jerry: You cried?
George: I bawled uncontrollably. I just poured my guts out. And I'll tell you, Jerry:, it was incredible. I never realized how powerful these tears are. I could have postponed it another five years if I wanted to.
Jx,Gx & Kx Hey!
Jerry: Sorry about that movie-thing. I was joking around.
Kramer: Sorry? Are you kidding? You did me the biggest favor of my life. I spoke to a lawyer, we're suing for millions.
Jerry: Suing? What for?
Kramer: The coffee was too hot.
Jerry: It's supposed to be hot.
Kramer: Not THAT hot.
[At George's home. He and Susan are in bed watching TV]
Rabbi: [On TV] The prophet Isaah tells us without friends our lives are empty and meaningless.
George: Wait. Whoa! That's the Rabbi: from Elaine's building. I just met this guy the other day.
Rabbi: A young lady I know, let's call her Elaine:, happened to find herself overwhelmed with feelings of resentment and hostility for her friend, let's call him George:. She felt that George was somewhat of a loser and that she was the one who deserved to be married first. She also happened to mention to me that her friend had wondered if going to a prostitute while you're engaged is considered cheating. His feeling was they're never going to see each other again so what's the difference. But that is a subject for another sermon. Now, I'd like to close with a psalm.