The Strongbox
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a lot of thought. I'm sorry, but we, uh, we have to break up."
Maura: "No."
George, after hesitating: "What's that?"
Maura: "We're not breaking up."
George, after hesitating: "We're not?"
Maura: "No."
George, after hesitating even longer: "All right."
Jerry, with George at Monk's: "She said no?"
George: "She said no."
Jerry: "What did you do?"
George: "What could I do? We fooled around and went to a movie."
Jerry: "George, both parties don't have to consent to a breakup. It's not
like you're launching missiles from a submarine and you both have to turn
your keys. Obviously, you didn't make a convincing case. Let me hear your
arguments."
George: "Well, I don't really like her."
Jerry: "That's good."
George: "I don't find her attractive."
Jerry: "Solid."
George: "I'd like to sleep with a lot of other women."
Jerry: "Always popular."
George: "Sometimes at restaurants she talks to her food. 'Oh, Mr. Mashed
Potatoes, you are so good.'"
Jerry: "You have an airtight case."
George: "And in bed--"
Jerry: "I'm afraid we're out of time."
Jerry, pulling out a jewelry case: "Hey."
George: "What?"
Jerry: "Check these out. These are Jerry Lewis' old cufflinks that he
actually wore in the movie Cinderfella. I got 'em at an auction."
George: "I got some cufflinks I could've loaned you."
Jerry: "No, Jerry Lewis is gonna be at this Friar's Club roast I'm goin' to
next week. Now I have an in to strike up a conversation with him."
George: "You already have an in. You have the same first name. Jerry."
Jerry: "Oh, that'll intrigue him."
George: "Well, it worked when I met George Peppard last week."
Jerry: "George Peppard has been dead for years."
George: "Well, whoever he was, he knew a lot about The A-Team."
Glenn, on the street talking with Elaine: "So you would choose your last meal
based on the method of execution?"
Elaine: "Right, right. I mean, if I was getting the chair, I'd go for
something hot and spicy. You know, thai, maybe Mexican. Lethal injection,
feels like pasta. You know, painless, don't want anything to heavy."
Glenn: "So, um, why don't we get together some time?"
Elaine: "Oh, sure. Why don't you give me your number?"
Glenn: "I think it'd be better if I called you."
Elaine: "Oh. OK. Maybe we could grab some lunch sometime. Do-do you work
around here?"
Glenn: "Mmmm... no, not really."
Elaine: "So, is there anything you can tell me about yourself?"
Glenn: "I think you're very beautiful."
Elaine, laughing: "Oh, ha ha. That'll do."
Jerry, in his apartment with Elaine: "What about Puddy?"
Elaine: "I haven't talked to him in, like, three weeks. I think it might be
over."
Jerry: "So, what's this guy about?"
Elaine: "I don't know. He wouldn't tell me his phone number, where he worked.
I'll be he's in a relationship."
Jerry: "Or he's a crime fighter safeguarding his secret identity. Elaine, you
could be dating the Green Lantern!"
Elaine: "Which one is he?"
Jerry: "Green suit, power ring."
Elaine: "I don't care for jewely on men."
Kramer, entering Jerry's apartment carrying a large box: "Hey. It happened
again. Another robbery in the building."
Jerry: "So you bought a cooler?"
Kramer: "It's a strongbox to protect my irreplacables."
Elaine: "And... what would those be?"
Kramer: "Some taxidermy that's been in my family for generations. My Tony,
my... military discharge."
Jerry: "You were in the Army?"
Kramer: "Briefly. Now, I gotta find a good place to hide this key. Because if
somebody finds this, they hold the key to all my possessions."
Elaine: "Literally."
Kramer: "'Literally'? What's that supposed to mean? You mind if I hide this
somewhere?"
Jerry: "No, go ahead."
Kramer, stuttering gibberish: "A little... privacy, huh?"
Jerry: "Oh, come on!"
Kramer: "Come on, Jerry, this is a security issue. Boy, you wouldn't last a
day in the Army."
Jerry, going into the hall with Elaine: "How long did you last?"
Kramer: "Well, that's classified."
Elaine, in the hall with Jerry: "Hey, what if he's married?"
Jerry: "Kramer?"
Elaine: "No, the Green Lantern."
Kramer: "OK!"
Jerry, going back inside with Elaine: "So, you would date a married guy?
That's so hacky."
Elaine: "Well, I don't know. I may never marry. It might be the closest I
get."
[Jerry, getting a spoon out of his silverware drawer, accidentally stumbles
on the key, and holds it up for Kramer to see]
Kramer: "You peeked!"
Jerry: "This is your hiding place?!"
Kramer: "It was under a spoon!"
George, in his apartment with Maura: "And so, for all these reasons, we are
officially broken up. Thank you, and good night."
Maura: "No, George, we're not."
George: "But I proved it!"
Maura: "I refuse to give up on this relationship. It's like launching
missiles from a submarine. Both of use have to turn our keys."
George: "Well, then, I am gonna have to ask you to turn your key."
Maura: "I'm sorry, George, I can't do that."
George: "Turn your key, Maura. Turn your key!"
Elaine, walking on the street with Glenn: "So, how is a guy like you not
involved?"
Glenn: "Well, I might ask you the same thing."
Elaine, in her mind: "That's true, maybe he's not married."
[Glenn gives her a flower]
Elaine: "Oh, that is so sweet."
Elaine, in her mind: "How long do I have to hold this?"
Glenn, seeing a woman on the street: "Oh, no."
Elaine: "Who is it?"
Glenn, running with Elaine into an alley: "Uh, no one, no one. Here, uh, let
me show you a short cut. Come on."
Elaine, in her mind: "Married. That's it, I'm chucking the flower."
Elaine, on the street below Jerry's window: "Jerry! Jerry!"
Jerry, looking down from his window: "Elaine, what are you doin' down there?"
Elaine: "You didn't hear me buzzing?"
Jerry: "Oh, I guess it's broken."
Elaine: "Throw down your key."
Jerry: "It's liable to bounce and go into a sewer."
Elaine: "I'll catch it!"
Jerry: "You'll chicken out at the last second."
Elaine: "Yeah, you're right."
Elaine: "All right. Well, will you at least keep me company until somebody
comes out?"
Jerry: "All right."
Jerry, after a pause: "Hey, you know what's weird?"
Elaine: "Huh?"
Jerry: "I used to be able to have a huge meal, go right to sleep. But I can't
anymore."
Elaine: "Nodding off!"
Elaine: "Well, I was right. He's an adulterer. And he's cheating on his wife
with me."
Elaine, to a passerby giving her a dirty look: "We haven't done anything yet."
Elaine: "I'm hungry. Can you throw something down?"
Jerry, throwing down a granola bar: "All right. Here!"
Jerry, walking away from the window: "I'm gonna try and fix the buzzer."
Elaine, from the street: "It went in the sewer!"
Jerry, pulling apart his buzzer and finding the problem: "Hey..."
Kramer, entering Jerry's apartment and seeing him at the buzzer box: "What
are you doin'?"
Jerry: "You jammed your key in here? You shorted out my intercom!"
Kramer: "You just had to go lookin' for it, didn't you? See, you hate it that
I have a little secret. Anything I do -- oooh, oooh! -- you gotta know
everything about it. You're so obsessed with me."
Jerry, going into the hallway: "I'm gonna go let Elaine in."
Kramer: "What are you doing with her?"
Jerry, hearing the door lock behind him: "Kramer!"
Kramer: "Security issue!"
Jerry, seeing Elaine walking down the hallway towards him: "Oh, hey. You got
in."
Elaine, handing him a large stack of papers: "Yeah, flirted with the menu
guy."
Jerry, taking the menus: "Oh, thanks."
Kramer, clattering inside: "That wasn't me!"
Jerry: "So, he's definitely married, huh?"
Elaine: "Yeah..."
Jerry: "Boy, I would've loved to have been there when you told him off."
Elaine: "Hmm..."
Jerry: "Oh, come on!"
Elaine: "Well, he could be a superhero! You should've seen him run."
Kramer, from inside Jerry's apartment: "OK!"
[Elaine and Jerry go back inside Jerry's apartment]
Kramer: "All right, Jerry. Let's see if you can get it in your head that this
is not an Easter egg hunt for your childish amusement."
George, from the street below Jerry's window: "Jerry!"
[George tries to whistle to get Jerry's attention]
Jerry: "George, the buzzer's broken! I'll come down!"
Jerry, putting on his coat to go downstairs, when he finds the key in his
coat pocket: "I believe this belongs to you."
Kramer: "Heyyyy!"
Jerry, opening the ground floor door for George, and seeing him eating a
granola bar: "Where did you get that?"
George: "I bought it."
Phil, walking up to get inside with George: "Thanks."
Jerry, starting to close the door: "I'm sorry. I-I don't know you."
Phil: "What?"
Jerry: "There's been some robberies in the building. I-I can't let you in."
Phil: "But, I live here. I ran out to get some birdseed, and-and I forgot my
key."
George: "Sounds like a scam."
Jerry, closing the door on Phil: "Very sorry."
George, waiting for the up elevator with Jerry: "So, I broke up with Maura."
Jerry: "Great, you're lonely and miserable again."
George: "Feels right."
Jerry: "Is that guy still there?"
George, looking at the door: "He's starin' at us."
Jerry: "Don't look at him."
Jerry, when Phil starts to knock on the door: "We don't hear that."
George: "Want a bite?"
Jerry: "No, I don't."
George, in his mind: "I think that ginger ale at the coffee shop is just Coke
and Sprite mixed together. How can I prove it? Ah! Can't, dammit."
Maura, coming in George's apartment: "Hey, Honey."
George: "What? M-Maura, what are you doin' here? I ended this relationship,
twice."
Maura: "George, you didn't mean that. That was just a fight."
George: "Why does it only seem like I'm the only one working at this breakup?"
Maura: "George, I listened to your arguments, and they were rambling and
flimsy. I'm not convinced. Come on, get dressed and let's get some dinner."
George: "All right."
Maura: "Eww, Mr. Apple. You have a brown spot."
Elaine, at Glenn's small, dingy apartment with him: "So, this is your
little... love nest?"
Glenn: "It's nothing special, just a little place I keep."
Elaine: "Oh."
Glenn: "Ah, should I light a fire?"
Elaine: "Oh, that sounds romantic."
Glenn, going outside, through the window: "I'm having a little problem with
the heat. Uh, I got some cardboard out here."
Elaine, in her mind: "This is wrong. I should go."
Glenn, from outside: "Can you get that, please?"
Elaine: "Oh, sure."
[Elaine gasps when she opens the door, seeing the woman from the street that
Glenn had avoided earlier]
Lady: "Where's Glenn?"
Elaine: "You're the woman from the street, and I am so sorry. You know, I'm
not really a home-wrecker. I-I-I-I thought he was a superhero. I swear."
Lady: "Lady, I'm not his wife, I'm his welfare caseworker. Is he home?"
Elaine: "This is his home?"
Lady: "Yes."
Elaine: "So, he's..."
Lady: "Poor."
Glenn, coming back through the window carrying an old chair: "I think this
will burn!"
Jerry, getting into his building elevator from the lobby, and seeing Phil get
in with him: "So you do live here."
Phil: "Yeah."
[going up in the elevator, both men awkwardly stand in silence]
Jerry, getting off the elevator, as Phil is, too: "You live on this floor?"
Phil: "Yeah."
Jerry, seeing Phil start to open his apartment door, only one door down from
Kramer's: "So you live right... there."
Phil: "Yeah."
Jerry: "So I guess I'll see--"
[Phil, going into his apartment, slams the door behind him]
Elaine, with Jerry at Monk's: "He wouldn't give me his number because he
doesn't have a phone. He's not married. He's poor."
Jerry: "Is he wretchedly poor? Does he wear one of those barrels, with the
straps?"
Elaine: "He probably busted it up and burned it for heat."
Jerry: "So, when are you giving Boxcar Willie his walking papers?"
Elaine: "How can I end it over money? I feel bad."
Jerry: "Well, let's think. Have you ever dealt with the poor in any other
situation?"
Elaine: "Yes. There was this homeless guy who used to urinate on our garbage
cans."
Jerry: "Good. How did you handle that?"
Elaine: "Well, we gave him a few bucks, and... now he goes in the alley
across the street."
Jerry: "Same situation. Pay him off, and you're clean."
Elaine: "Well, I am not paying Glenn off to get out of this relationship.
Wh-what am I supposed to do, just walk into his hovel, and hand him... well,
how much do you think it would be?"
George, entering Monk's: "Hey."
Jerry: "Hey, where have you been?"
George: "Seeing Maura. Apparently, I was unable to break up beyond a
reasonable doubt."
Elaine: "If only he could have been cheating on his wife, you know, things
would have been so much simpler."
George: "Who's this, Blue Arrow?"
Elaine: "Green Lantern."
Jerry: "We found out his super power was lack of money."
Elaine: "All right."
Jerry: "He's invulnerable to creditors."
Elaine: "We get it."
Jerry: "He's the 'Got-no-Green' Lantern."
Elaine: "Thank you."
Jerry: "Hey, Elaine. Maybe his girlfriend is Lois Loan."
Elaine, leaving: "Well crafted."
George: "Hey, maybe this cheating thing is what I could use to ditch Maura."
Jerry: "Sure, just tell Maura you're having an affair."
George, now on the same side as the booth of Jerry, with Elaine's side
vacant: "She's like a district attorney. If it's not the truth, I'll break
under the cross. I actually have to do it."
Jerry: "Could you move over there?"
[George reluctantly switches sides, so they're facing each other]
George: "Hey, you know, there's this secretary at work that always had a
crush on me."
Jerry: "Really? How come you never pursued her before?"
George: "She's too tan. It's the middle of the winter, she's like a carrot."
Elaine, coming back into Monk's: "Did I leave my glasses here?"
Jerry, to Elaine: "He can wipe out his checking account in a single bound!"
Elaine, leaving again: "Keep 'em!"
[Jerry, as he's entering his apartment to see Kramer there, disturbs some
sort of bird in the hallway, which makes a squawking noise]
Kramer: "Hey."
Jerry: "There's a giant parrot in the hallway."
Kramer: "It's Phil's."
Jerry: "Who?"
Kramer: "Our neighbor that you turned against. Anyway, I told him it'd be
fine with us if he wanted to let it stretch its wings out in the hallway."
Jerry: "What'd ya tell him that for?"
Kramer: "Because since you've been playing God with the front door, I've been
tryin' to smooth things out, Jerry. In fact, I was just hanging out at his
place."
Jerry: "Really? What's it like? Is it nicer than mine? Where does he have the
couch?"
Kramer: "Well, I don't know, but the key problem is solved. I hid it at
Phil's"
Jerry: "He let you?"
Kramer: "No, he doesn't know. So, uh, Phil won't be compulsively looking for
it like some people. You!"
[going out into the hallway, Kramer is apparently attacked by the parrot,
because it starts squawking loudly, and Kramer runs back inside Jerry's place]
George, entering his apartment with the too-tan secretary: "So, you... you
say you've been in the city all winter?"
Loretta: "I was in Maine for a couple days."
George: "Well... here we are."
Loretta: "George, I've always fantasized about jumping into bed with you."
George: "Ho ho!"
Loretta: "But... I don't want to spoil things by sleeping with you too soon."
George: "Are you sure? 'Cause it could really help me out of a jam."
Loretta: "I want to build something with you, George."
George: "Oh, not more building."
Loretta: "And I won't take no for an answer."
George: "No?"
Loretta: "No."
George, after hesitating: "All right."
Elaine, in an alley with Glenn: "So, what are we doing in this alley, anyway?"
Glenn: "It's a surprise."
Elaine, giggling: "Oh."
[a nearby door opens, and a cook throws a garbage bag out into a trash can;
Glenn immediately goes for the bag]
Elaine: "What are you doing? What is that?"
Glenn: "It's a bag of donuts."
Elaine: "It's garbage."
Glenn, looking in the bag: "No, no, no, no, no. When they make the new ones,
the old ones come out right here."
Elaine, pulling out her checkbook: "All right, that's it. How do you spell
your last name?"
Glenn, still looking through the garbage bag: "It's a bear claw! You have no
idea how rare this is."
Elaine: "I'll make it out to cash. How 'bout two hundred bucks? Two-fifty?"
Glenn, eating the bear claw: "Mmm!"
Elaine: "Make it three hundred."
Glenn, handing her the bear claw: "You know, Elaine, you are the bear claw in
the garbage can of my life."
Elaine, biting the bear claw: "Aw, Glenn."
[the cook comes out again, dumping a bucket of water out in the alley, and
splashing Elaine and Glenn, but they're too wrapped up with each other to
notice]
Jerry, at Phil's door, which is answered by a woman wearing cleaning gloves
and carrying a cleaning bucket: "Hi. Is Phil here?"
Phil, from inside the apartment: "Yeah, I'm here."
Jerry: "Phil... hi. I-I know we kind of got off to a bad start. But your
bird, which is lovely, by the way, made a mess on my door."
Phil: "And?"
Jerry: "I thought maybe you'd clean it up, or your maid, there."
Phil: "That's my wife."
Jerry, after an awkward pause: "All right, I think we're done here."
Jerry, in his apartment in a tuxedo, with George: "So, you're in a
relationship with a woman you don't like, and you're having an affair with a
woman who won't have sex with you."
George: "This isn't going well."
Jerry: "I cannot find my Jerry Lewis cufflinks. Without 'em, I have no in!"
George, starting to leave: "You don't need the cufflinks. You have the same
name. Jerry!"
Jerry: "Where are you goin'? Help me look."
George: "It's a big night. I'm, uh, ice skating with one, and going to a
staged reading of Godspell with the other."
Jerry: "Which is with who?"
George, leaving: "It doesn't matter."
Kramer, entering Jerry's apartment, in his own tuxedo: "Whoo! Boy. Yeah, you
clean up nice."
Jerry: "I can't go until I find my cufflinks."
Kramer: "Yeah, see? I knew you would lose 'em. That's why I took 'em out of
your dresser drawer and put 'em in my strongbox."
Jerry: "You're a lifesaver. Would you get them, please?"
Kramer, going into the hall with Jerry: "Yeah, we'll stop by Phil's, we'll
pick up the key."
[in the hall, Jerry and Kramer see Phil and his wife, both crying, going into
their apartment]
Kramer: "Hey, what's going on?"
Phil: "Fredo is dead."
Jerry: "That strange Portuguese guy that lives next-door to the incinerator?"
Phil: "No! my bird. We just got back from the pet cemetery."
Jerry: "Oh, Phil. Mrs. Phil. I'm so sorry."
Phil: "Oh, I'll bet you are! They told us he was poisoned! Something in his
food."
Jerry: "But I, I didn't--"
[Phil slams the door on Jerry, and Kramer]
Jerry: "Kramer, they think I killed Fredo! And who buries a bird?"
Kramer: "Yeah. Just give it to the Portuguese guy, and he... puts it in the
incinerator."
Jerry: "Just get the key and let's get out here."
Kramer: "You know, it's a funny thing about that bird dying. I hid the key in
Fredo's food dish. Whew! That's a weird coincidence."
Jerry: "Kramer!?"
Kramer: "What?"
Jerry: "You killed Fredo!"
Kramer: "Fredo was weak and stupid. He shouldn't've eaten that key."
Jerry: "Kramer, I need those cufflinks, but now they're in the box, and the
key is in the bird. What are we gonna do?"
Kramer: "You just answered your own question."
Jerry: "Oh, no."
Kramer, walking towards his apartment: "I'll get the shovel."
George, at Monk's with Loretta: "The, uh, actor that played Jesus made some
odd choices."
Loretta: "What?"
George: "I mean, uh... I had fun ice skating."
Maura, entering Monk's: "George?"
George: "Maura. Oh, my God! What are you doing here?!"
Maura: "You told me to meet you here for lunch."
George, standing up and overreacting: "Oh, I'm caught in my own web of lies!"
Maura, to Loretta: "I'm Maura."
Loretta, to Maura: "I'm Loretta. You want to join us?"
George: "This is all blowing up in my face! My serious girlfriend, and my
torrid love affair have accidentally crossed paths. I have ruined three
lives. Well, I understand if you never want to see me again, so..."
Maura: "George, what we have is too important. We can work through this."
Loretta: "So can we."
George: "What? So, this is still not over?"
Maura: "No."
George: "You?"
Loretta: "No."
George, reluctantly sitting down: "All right."
Glenn, in his apartment with Elaine: "Elaine, wow, a TV, a stereo?"
Elaine: "Yeah, and I got you a cord of wood, so you won't have to burn 'em."
Glenn, as a woman walks in: "Oh, my God, Allison. You're home early."
Elaine: "Who is this?"
Allison: "His wife."
Elaine: "You're poor and married?"
Glenn: "Looks like it."
Allison: "Who the hell are you?"
Elaine: "I guess I'm Lois Loan."
Jerry, in the pet cemetery with Kramer: "Kramer, I can't believe we're grave
robbers."
Kramer, reading a tombstone: "'Man's best friend.' Jerry, I want something
like that on my tombstone."
Jerry, seeing Fredo's tombstone, and handing the shovel to Kramer: "Oh, my
God. Here he is. I don't want to dig him up."
Kramer: "All right, then you're the one getting the key out of him."
Jerry, taking the shoevel back: "I'll dig."
Kramer: "Listen, I heard that Lassie #3 is buried around here. I'm gonna go
check it out."
[as Jerry starts to dig, Kramer, still in his tux, walks off, trips over a
tombstone, and tries to appear dignified again]
Jerry, hitting metal with the shovel: "Well, that was easy."
Phil, walking in the cemetery with his wife, near Fredo's grave: "All right,
Honey, one last look, then you have to let Fredo rest in peace."
Jerry, pulling the metal box out of the ground: "Hey, Kramer! I dug Fredo up,
now let's cut him open!"
Phil, seeing Jerry digging up the grave: "Oh, my God!"
'Mrs. Phil': "Oh!"
Jerry: "Hey, neighbor."
George, in Jerry's apartment with Kramer, Jerry, and Elaine: "All right. I'm
gonna try givin' them fifty-five dollars each."
George, to Elaine: "What do you think?"
Elaine: "Give me forty, you'll never see me again."
[Elaine flips her tongue at George, who rolls his eyes away]
Elaine, to Jerry: "So, what are you gonna do? Are you gonna live here, or are
you gonna move out, or what?"
Jerry: "Ah, I'll just take the fire escape to get in and out of the building."
George, flipping open the lid of the strongbox: "So, what's in the cooler?"
Kramer: "Oh. Well, would you look at that. Guess I forgot to lock it."
Jerry: "You mean it was open? We desecrated a pet cemetery for something?"
Kramer: "Well, this is one for the books, huh, Jerry? Really one for the
books.
END
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